Don't Give Your Money to God
Give It to Lightning Rod
Hallelujah, brothers and sisters! Praise Odin, Yahweh, Jesus and/or Satan, if you wish. But transfer your assets to this poor struggling band who lives a humble existence in its modest 206-room chalet situated on a meager 3,400 acres of Colorado mountain land.
Keeping a hard working band like this takes money -- a lot of money. Why, the band's operating budget is on par with the amount of money Marilyn Manson spends on skin bleaching chemicals, or the change Jimmy Swaggert forks out on hookers and cocaine.
You must immediately send unmarked bills, gold bullion (preferably stolen Nazi gold), transferable Swiss bank accounts, property deeds, blond teenage daughters, and the remainder of your assets. You have been warned. If you fail to do so, Lightning Rod cannot guarantee your acceptance into Heaven or Nirvana (hope Curt Gobang is enjoying his stay there).